It has been a few days since my trip to Seattle and CreativeLIVE. It was an emotional roller coaster, of sorts. I have been a fan of CreativeLIVE for a very long time. At this point, I can’t really recall how I thought it would be like to be an in-person student. But, I do know what it was like for me and how I came home a different person.

As I said on-air, the environment at CreativeLIVE is intense. Every emotion, good and bad, is amplified to the extreme. It is a wonderful and, for lack of a better word, loving environment. You are surrounded by endless support. And this doesn’t just come from the obvious sources of Kenna and LaRae but also from everyone behind the scenes. I cannot speak for all of the previous students on CreativeLIVE but the group I was a part of was absolutely amazing as well.

Being that I am a long-time fan of CreativeLIVE, I do know that the chatrooms, as with all online outlets, can be harsh. I don’t feel all of the students were prepared for this part of CreativeLIVE. All communication directly to me has been amazingly supportive. There were harsh, offensive and rude comments towards me in the chatrooms. That is fine. There is an utter lack of understanding and a complete disconnect that one cannot fully comprehend until they are in the shoes of a student. While I have never and would never make a harsh comment in the chatrooms, I did not realize how difficult it was for the students while watching comfortably from home. And, by-the-way, no CreativeLIVE does not keep a log of the chatrooms, I came across a log from an external source. I do not blame CreativeLIVE one bit, they do everything they can to keep everything positive for the students.

I have received Tweets, Facebook messages, blog comments and emails from around the world. I received a ton of messages saying that I said some things that they felt themselves. By day three I finally realized that I was representing a group of people that aren’t necessarily confident enough to speak out themselves. You can’t begin to understand how powerful of an emotion that is. I was so caught up in my own worries that I didn’t realize that half the reason I was there was because I wasn’t alone in thinking the way I did. Getting out of your own head is one of the hardest things to do. I’m still not completely where I need to be but I’ve come a long long way in just a few days.

Another large portion of the messages were just general support which really helped me along the way. It was incredibly moving to see multiple page emails from people I never knew even existed. Every time I turned my phone back on during a break I would be inundated with new Tweets, all supportive. I remember one in particular that came in at the beginning of day two or three. I had a lot of nervous energy and I happened to check Twitter before turning off my phone. I received a message that basically said for me to calm down and stop pacing. A wonderful person was watching the black and white “security camera” footage before the day began and noticed me pacing. I hadn’t even noticed myself doing that. But it was like the whole impact of CreativeLIVE washed over me right then. Somebody I’d never met went out of their way to comfort me when I didn’t even know I needed it at that moment. It is an amazing feeling and it is really what CreativeLIVE is all about.

In reference to shooting, I have positive and negative thoughts. I said and did things on CreativeLIVE that I would NEVER do around a client. And why? Because I was a student. I remember the chatrooms giving me crap because I said I wasn’t comfortable or didn’t know what to do. Well, I had Christa there as a teacher. I was talking to her about what my problems were in that moment. Those comments were for nobody else but her. She needed to know what was going through my head at that moment. In one of my shoots, would I have said most of that…no not really. I didn’t have the time to get to know the models like I would have liked to. I didn’t shoot any boudoir at CreativeLIVE. I shot portraits. Because that is how I start my shoots. I know where I exist in a relationship with a model. I don’t just jump right in to nudity and booty shots. I shoot portraits until we are both where we need to be to go on. So no, people have still not seen my boudoir photography. This will be remedied soon, no worries there.

What did I learn? The big thing at CreativeLIVE for me was confirmation that I am not out of my mind. Many things Christa said were things I have thought before but just wasn’t sure about. And she threw in some other things that never crossed my mind. I have a direction to go for now. Before showing up I was in limbo. I didn’t know where to go or what to do next, Christa fixed that for me. I appreciate that a million times over.

I have spent my whole life uncomfortable with myself. I’ve been put down all of my life, much like the chatrooms did to me. It wasn’t anything new. People love me or hate me, there isn’t much in-between. That is their own problem. I figured out that the only opinions that matter are the ones that are positive. An overwhelming number of comments towards me were positive and supportive. Those are the ones that matter. The potential clients that feel that way about me are the ones I want and the ones that will have an amazing experience. The people that feel differently have the right to feel that way. They can also find a photographer better suited to themselves. It is a little embarrassing to be 28 and finally realize that other people’s problems with me are THEIR problems, not mine. I came back with so much more but if that was the only thing I came back with, then the whole thing was worth it.

I have shared an amazing thing with everyone at CreativeLIVE. I was a fan before I showed up and now I am friends with so many amazing people. I don’t know how to describe how that feels. I could go on and on about every individual but all of you just know that you were all great, thank you so much.

I have to give a specific shout out to John Cornicello. He is one of the best human beings you will ever meet in your life. He is always positive. He is an utter badass photographer and assistant. John was supportive of me before he even met me. He made a comment to me on Twitter that made me finally submit a video to CreativeLIVE and I probably never would have had this experience without him. I could go on for pages about John but, instead, I will just say Thank You from the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything.

The Sexy Six Pack are amazing people. Carlo is an impressive human being. He is blunt, opinionated and gives it to you straight…because he cares and wants the absolute best for you. I have the utmost respect for him. Jen has an energy about her. There is a non-stop positivity that is…well, irritatingly infectious. You can’t help but love her to death. Brandy is wonderful. She has a grace and poise that is so nice to be around. The girl can put you at ease in seconds, you don’t find that aften. Michelle…what can I say about Michelle. She is so amazingly supportive of all of us. She was always right there when emotions were getting heavy and I absolutely love her for it. Nicole is a female me. Though she is WAAAY cuter. I love everything about her; you won’t find a sweeter person.

To Christa, I want to say thank you. You saw something in me that I didn’t. You picked me to go to Seattle. John got me to make a video but you saw something and chose me to be a part of this whole amazing experience. I’ve said things to you, in front of thousands of people, that I have never said before. Every time I found something a failure you found the success in it. You never backed down and always pushed and I freaking love you for it. I can’t say enough but I sincerely thank you for everything.

My time at CreativeLIVE is a wrap. But, everything else is just starting. I am back home and getting settled in with everything. Things are changing, I have changed and it will all be for the better. Like I said before, stay tuned…it’ll be a hell of a ride.

I will start out by saying that I am going to be honest and quite blunt. I’ve gotten more out of being honest and saying what I feel in the last month than I have by bullshitting my way through my last 28 years. I also say a few “bad” words in this post because I feel them to be appropriately authentic in this situation.

The first day at Christa Meola‘s CreativeLIVE Boudoir Workshop was fantastic. It was hard and uncomfortable but just what I needed. I said some things that were hard to repeat and I am coming to terms with the fact that it is part of me. It is not easy to put myself out there. But I also look at all the wonderful women that have put themselves out there, half nude, just for us (and themselves but that is their story) and I start to realize that my worries are obnoxiously simple in comparison.

The above said, day two was rough for me. I didn’t leave as enlightened on day two as I did day one. I shot for the first time today. It didn’t go well. I started out with a couple technical difficulties with sound. It threw me off mentally but it shouldn’t have affected my shooting. And, by the way, the CreativeLIVE sound guys are complete badasses so I put no fault on them at all. They are completely awesome…even if we all do screw with them as much as possible.

Anyway, so I started with Samantha who is the cutest girl EVER! I will shoot her any time and she deserves a real shoot from me; I am way better than what she experienced and she really does deserve better. At this point my nerves got to me and I kinda laughed at myself. And probably said stupid shit but I refuse to watch the rewatches tonight so I won’t find out for a while. I was mentally coherent but my body and focus was lost and I saw it all happening internally. It was so ridiculously frustrating. I’m also used to getting to know my models, at least one conversation or something…just anything more than, “Hi, I’m Blayne” *click*. I have never worked that way so it threw me off as well.

All of the above aside…I simply went blank. I didn’t know what the hell to do. Creativity isn’t a naturally occurring thing for me, or at least it doesn’t feel like it is. I didn’t know what to do and my usual starting ideas went out the window. I kept looking at Samantha thinking, “She is gorgeous, get your shit together and make an image!” My crops were crap, my composition was crap and my thought process non-existent. I didn’t like anything I saw so I moved quickly. This made me talk more to the model just trying to do something and let her know I was there with her. I made her laugh at least, I had that going for me.

Out of the middle of nowhere comes Christa. She had a look on her face that I am still not sure of…concern, frustration, intrigue, embarrassment, disappointment…I really don’t know and won’t assume anything. At this point, I didn’t realize I was already finished. Christa might or might not have, I can’t say. She made an observation/suggestion – I shut her down. She made a second suggestion – I shut her down. She brought out THE mask trying to salvage anything and I just didn’t feel it. It did nothing for me at the time. I had no idea what to do. Samantha was absolutely wonderful through the whole thing, by the way. And finally, Christa sent me away.

I was initially pissed beyond belief. A few people, especially Kenna, tried to be positive for me and I shut them down in a very dick kind of way. Which I am quite sorry for actually. I figure Christa got a few glares from me too, undeservedly so. I didn’t eat lunch and I didn’t sit with any of the crew during lunch either.

I did do something though. Not long after shooting, I pulled out my notebook and made a note to myself. It was my initial impression of the shoot. And I literally wrote, “Fucking Sucked! Why?” So I spent lunch trying to answer that question. I looked at the shots on the back of my camera. I relived the technical malfunction and Christa having to ask me what I was doing and me being completely blank. I’m not going to get into the details but basically, I didn’t do what I know. I know how to crop, I know how to compose and I know what looks good. I focused on everything I was uncomfortable with and didn’t do a damn thing I knew.

So, here is the kicker. I also figured out why I was pissed during that time. It actually has very little to do with me. I embarrassed myself, so what. I have a pretty good idea of what I looked like on camera and it makes me cringe, so what. Nope, not a lot of my being pissed had to do with me. It was Samantha, Christa, John, the other students and every single one of the people that I do not know that have been so supportive and wonderful to me…I let them all down. That was why I was so pissed. I was pissed at myself for letting them all down.

I am fighting back tears writing because I am so frustrated at myself. I am better than this. I want this more than I know how to express. I’m having the hardest time getting out of my own freaking head. Hell, I actually spent the whole session right after lunch today absolutely knowing I wouldn’t be back for the last day. But how selfish and ridiculous is that? And talk about letting people down and being a drama queen! I’m going to be back, I’m going to be better, I’m going to be me (for better or for worse) and I’m not going to let anybody down. And I’m going to be scared shitless for the third day straight.

I guess I left more enlightened than I thought…

This is going to be a long one so prepare yourself. There is a ton of info in this one!

One week from today I will find myself waking from a restful sleep. Maybe that is a little wishful thinking but this is how I imagine it at least. I will find myself at a hotel in Seattle, Washington. My day will start with some kind of breakfast, I’m sure. I’ve also heard that they have a coffee shop or two in Seattle, so I will have a nice cup or four of coffee that morning as well… That Thursday will be spent walking around and exploring, with a ton of time spent at Pike Place Market.

I have only been as far west as Las Vegas, Nevada for a short few day trip and, prior to that, about a week in Salt Lake City, Utah with a long-time friend. I grew up on the east coast in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Costal living is not a complete mystery to me but I’ve been told the west coast is different. I guess I will find out.

With the photo above and my talk about a trip to Seattle, I’m sure you are thinking, “get to the point man.” I will be in Seattle for a photography workshop but not just any photography workshop. I’m going to be on CreativeLIVE. If you aren’t a photographer then you might not know that it is, generally, a big deal. CreativeLIVE is a great resource for creatives, especially photographers. It is hard to explain so just check them out to find out more.

Why is it a big deal? There are many reasons but one is that for each of their workshops there are about six in-studio students. You have to submit a video based on the criteria given by the photographer teaching the workshop. And then, the students are hand picked to join the class. Out of 56 video submissions, I was chosen to be one of the six.

Why is it an even bigger deal? It is a HUGE deal for me personally. Not to get too sappy but I don’t commonly put myself out there. No matter what you may think if you have met me, I am shy and I don’t have the greatest self-esteem in the world. The thought of making a video for the workshop was scary. As a matter of fact, I fretted over it for days and had the absolute hardest time even considering recording myself for people to openly view. That said, I recorded a video and, at the time, had no idea what I was going to say. I don’t think I had ever actually said aloud half of what I said in the video. The video is about life, why I’m a photographer, how I think and why I like boudoir photography. I will even put myself out there once again…take a look at the video here.

I’ve spent the month of January working on some big changes and new things for my photography. There are a few changes for b|photo but most of the changes are taking place elsewhere. But that is why there hasn’t been much from me lately. The above photo is a little peek at some things to come. And, for the extremely observant reader, you’ll have picked up that I am going to the CreativeLIVE Boudoir workshop with Christa Meola. Christa’s work is gorgeous; there is something about it that I absolutely love. From her videos, blog and tweets Christa seems like she is hilarious, sweet as she can be and feisty as hell…not to mention a bit of a looker, I have to admit. I’ll let you know more after I meet her and everyone else at CreativeLIVE. You will even be able to watch the workshop live, online…for free. At the very least, pop your head in one day just to see what it is all about.

Needless to say, I am excited and cannot wait to get on that plane heading to Seattle. I’m not a fan of flying sardine cans but I’m excited nonetheless. I’m going to try to blog and I will definitely tweet from Seattle as much as possible. So, if you aren’t already, follow me on Twitter and check back here in a week.

I also wanted to thank CreativeLIVE for the opportunity, Christa Meola for picking me, and John Cornicello (who is a badass in his own right) for making me realize that never sending in a video guaranteed that I’d never be at a CreativeLIVE workshop. This is a huge opportunity for me personally and for everything I want to accomplish in my photography career…stick around, it’ll be a hell of a show!